BERKELEY, Calif. – To the surprise of no one, yet another college-aged man has told his girlfriend that while she may check several of his boxes, he just thinks he could find someone better to date. And while she has a 4.0 GPA and will likely be a Rhodes Scholar, he is addicted to inhaling and exhaling gummy bear flavored nicotine.
“You’re perfect, beautiful, and everything I could ask for in a female,” typed business major Vay P’dict, sneaking in gulps of Blue Razz Ice Strawberry Lemonade flavored smoke in between writing this wall of text to his now ex-girlfriend. “But I’m just looking for the one. I mean sure, you’re triple-majoring with a paid internship and you still find time to take me out on day trips and pay for everything. You don’t even complain when I text ‘gonna hop on val’ and never respond to your Facetimes. You remembered my mom’s birthday when I forgot! But I’m just not sure you’re perfect for me, ya know? I’m looking for something with more substance. Particularly in the boobs area. Don’t get mad baby it’s just the truth. And I wish you would wear less makeup. Anyways after saying all this I know you hate me and never want to see me again. I know I’m the worst and don’t deserve you and you’ll hate me forever and I suck. But I do deserve a perfect woman which is why I’m sadly ending things here. Btw I think I left one of my vape pens at ur house haha.”
Recent reports have confirmed that P’dict is currently banned from Tinder, Hinge, FarmersOnly, ChristianMingle, and FootFetishLeagueOfLegendsDating.Com after sending “Can I see a revealing full body pic?” to every single girl that showed up on his feed.