BERKELEY, Calif. — Following a year of Israeli war crimes in Gaza, hundreds of students gathered on Sproul to protest the atrocities committed and UC Berkeley’s investments in the country. However, hundreds more have swarmed onto the scene in order to get their “next big scoop,” sources utilizing the suffering of others for personal gain report.
“I was worried that choosing to drop $14,000 a year to study Journalism was a big mistake, but I have never been more active than here at Berkeley,” quipped Journalism minor William Robert “Billy-Bob” Ecklebinkle. “With a new protest every week about some horrible societal failure, I’ve got plenty of material. Sure, these people are advocating for the voiceless and downtrodden, but really, who would give a fuck if it wasn’t for us esteemed journalists? Honestly, they should be thanking me!”
Journalism alum Geoffrey Stevens Davidson Jones III Jr. explained his enthusiasm about the protests.
“As a journalist, I have learned to report on conflicts like these objectively and fairly. It’s simple, when Hamas launches strikes at Israel, I write headlines calling for the death of everyone in Palestine. And when Israel blows up hospitals and schools in Gaza, I say ‘the civilian building somehow exploded itself.’ In fact, these lessons I learned as a reporter at Berkeley landed me a job at The New York Times.”
With writers quickly scribbling down every testimony that was more painful for the speakers than for them, photojournalists also got a snapshot of the action happening on campus.
“We student journalists have had it a lot worse,” added hobbyist blogger Jergen McDergen, who insisted heavily that his blog was “actually really informative, you guys.” “Pushed against the barricades of GBC in order to get the perfect shot, trudging through unruly crowds passing during Berkeley time, getting kicked out of office hours when your professor says she ‘doesn’t want to hear about the hidden gnome society below Dwinelle Hall.’ I mean really, what could be worse than that?”
As journalists looking for the next Mario Savio or Angela Davis quickly outnumbered actual political activists, some were quick to point out that many of their fellow students were losing focus of the larger stakes at hand.
“Wait, why are you asking me about journalists?” questioned anti-genocide protestor Julia Scwhartz. “I’m here trying to make a change, why not ask me about that? There are real people whose lives—excuse me, can you pull your microphone back a little? Whose lives are—I’m sorry, I’m trying to answer this question. Whose lives are—Sorry, that camera flash is so bright in my eyes! Can I just get a little space, please? Whose lives are at—agh, forget it!”
When asked about the bigger picture of the conflict, Ecklebinkle responded, “bigger picture? Sorry, this camera only captures in a 3:2 aspect ratio.”