BERKELEY, Calif. Following the summertime success of the 1998 television phenomenon, Sex and the City, UC Berkeley’s Daily Californian has launched a new weekly sex(less) column, “Celibacy in the City.”
The writer, sophomore Cherrie Hacksaw, described the new column as “the world through Berkeley goggles.”
“I plan to chronicle my experience going on dates as an undergraduate at UC Berkeley, something we can all relate to and need to hear about,” Hacksaw said, prancing across telegraph in knee high black boots, nearly getting hit by a UCPD vehicle. “I mean sure, at first, I just wanted something for my LinkedIn profile, and the Daily Cal wouldn’t hire me for Opinion after I submitted my Covid-era substack as a writing sample. But, I pitched this and they loved it! I think I’m really onto something!”
Hacksaw’s primary romantic subject is a pre-Haas sophomore who won’t show her his voter registration.
“Let’s just call him Mr. Mid,” she explained. “But, I’m not just talking about my Dates in Elmwood with Mid, I also talk about the trials and tribulations of my three best friends I’ve had since Freshman year. ‘Chandra’, ‘Marina’, and ‘Amarantha’ will be recurring characters in the column.” Indeed, HAcksaw’s most recent article was a discourse between the women. “Yeah, my last piece was a scathing dialogue about the merits of the REI DILF mustache holding onto men’s faces for dear life since the summer when they grew it out. We were all torn. Chandra and Amarantha were all for it. Marina, not so much. I’m not sure where I stand, I guess it depends on how Mid looks with one, but I haven’t seen him since…November 5th now that I think about it.” Hacksaw shrugged, “Whatever, it’s an important conversation – I’m pushing the frontier of journalism.”
The Daily Cal’s assigned editor for the column, Jessica Parker, is hopeful that the new column will appeal to a student body desperately attempting to project their identity onto some niche little character after the complete acquisition of Harry Potter by millennials.
“What women in Berkeley want is someone who speaks for them. It’s not enough to talk about orgasms when straight men in Berkeley are incapable of providing them,” Parker said, chain smoking her five kinds of vapes at Strada, pretending it’s a New York City cafe, “We’re hoping this column can really speak to the experience of walking into Taphouse and being forced to laugh at jokes that aren’t funny. It’s the heterosexual hope…or, maybe lack thereof.”
Hacksaw is excited at the prospect of becoming the next voice of Berkeley.
“I mean, our generation needs a digital Didion. I have two thumbs and a cutting edge fashion sense, I could totally be that voice!” she exclaimed, tossing a skinny little scarf over her shoulder, and causing numerous heads in her Earthquakes lecture to look up at her. “Sorry, I forgot that people could hear my external monologues. Carry on!”
So far, Instagram analytics indicate that the column is a success. However, reports from the ground–Sproul–indicate that most of the clicks the articles have been getting via instagram story were actually intended for the Temu ads preceding.