BERKELEY, Calif. – In a thrilling display of productivity fit for an unpaid internship at Tesla, sophomore Nein Tofive sent his unsuspecting CS project partner a When2Meet for a three-minute time slot sometime in the next six months. During that precious pocket of time, they will tackle the insurmountable task of deciding when to send another When2Meet.
“I’ve set aside one minute for meaningless small talk, one minute for my computer to load, and the final minute to create the When2Meet,” Tofive breathlessly explained, going to town on three metric tons of Celsius, an oilmaxxed slice of Blondie’s Pizza, and Baja Blast ice cream, while supervising the three versions of ChatGPT that were cold-emailing every EECS professor on campus for him. “After we both fill out that When2Meet, we’ll meet again to make another When2Meet about picking out whether we should use VSCode or Vim. We’ll schedule one more When2Meet to argue over whether to use Python or C++, and then a final virtual coffee chat to decide if we even want to do this project at all. We get a free project drop for CS 1962936, and to be honest, I don’t really have time right now, at least for the next fiscal year, unless I get rid of my precious daily three hours of scrolling through Instagram models.”
The project partner in question, Ariana Debuggera, who currently sits on the exec board of eight social impact consulting clubs, skimmed the email and promised to “circle back” after her “pre-meeting for another meeting.”
“I understand the hustle. Being pre-Haas myself, academic rigor is my hallmark and the grind never stops. I’m mostly using this class for networking anyway, even though I can’t actually make the lecture times,” Debuggera explained while on her daily allotted ten-minute ‘bio break.’ “I’m actually involved with an AI influencer start-up with seventeen figures invested, so projects like this one about how to ‘ethically code’ and ‘be responsible for the power you hold as a computer scientist’ don’t really interest me. But unfortunately, my dad has invested several hundred thousand dollars into my education, so I guess I have to do assignments sometimes – as well as call him for five minutes at 9:15PM on Sundays.”
At press time, Debuggera and Tofive were seen very, very briefly conversing at the same Nvidia job fair event and promised to touch base about their When2Meet at a later time.