TRADER JOE’S – On Shabbat, the staple grocery announced its plans to unveil a new line just in time for Yom Kippur: Trader Jew’s. The decision follows the extensive success of titularly suspicious choices the store has previously made for its cultural food brands.
So, God said unto man, let there be gentrification.
Sources report that Trader Ming’s, like Moses, parts the sea so Trader Jew’s could walk through, delivering millions to asylum at the intersection of University and MLK.
To locate these goods, God commanded: “Go down onto the seafood aisle, where you shall see an absence of shellfish and fish without fins. For 40 days and 40 nights, you shall witness a flood of cutely-packaged grocery items that may seem cheap but don’t even amount to one single serving size.”
Owing to this burning bush of flavor, customers rejoice as they can add a wider variety of treats in pairs of two to their grocery cart. Conveniently, this new line also sits beside culturally appropriate predecessors of Trader José’s, Trader Giotto’s, and Trader Joe San’s.
Furthermore, upon holy contemplation, God bespoke, “For such influence they have on such a woke area, you would think the store would choose better brand names.”
But, as the clock struck the Seventh Day of Creation, any further thought on that matter was simply too much work. As his head hit the pillow, the Lord murmured, “We did it, Joe. We gentrified Judaism.”