HARTFORD, Conn. – Nobel Peace Prize recipient and carpet bomber of Laos and Cambodia, Henry Kissinger, has passed away at the early age of 100. To honor the long-lasting impact of his Southeast Asian campaign, the U.S. military has announced that Kissinger will be buried with the rare honors of being obliterated by thousands of internationally banned weapons.
“Our mission to secure global democracy is deeply indebted to Kissinger’s worldview,” said General Mills, whose career began as US “torture consultant” to Pinochet. “He has contributed so much. Go anywhere in the developing world and you’ll find millions of people who passionately scream the name ‘Henry Kissinger.’ In memoriam, we’ve decided to give him the Twenty-One Gun Salute, and then about 10,979 more guns in the salute. His favorite idiom was ‘do unto others as you would like done unto you,’ so we will be blowing him to bits with every bit of firepower we’ve got. After the incendiary bombs, you’re going to understand the elegy ‘ashes to ashes, dust to dust.’”
Former Secretary of State and #MYpresident Hillary Clinton expressed her admiration for Kissinger.
“The best part about Henry was his openness to diversity. He’d brutally kill and topple countries all across the world. It didn’t matter if it was Southeast Asia, South America – any part of the global south, really. As long as he could destroy that region for decades, he was game,” said Clinton while smiling at pictures of civilian drone strikes she ordered. “That’s something these young progressives don’t have, the dedication to destroy all those ugly poor non-white countries that had it coming.”
In addition to honoring Kissinger, Admiral Sporte Merdur is leading the U.S. military in preemptively planning funerals for other renowned American war criminals.
“It’ll be expensive but it’s worth it to honor these American heroes,” explained Admiral Merdur. “George W. Bush, for example, has requested a specialized service; his headstone will read ‘they misunderestimated me,’ and his coffin will be the subject of cable news speculation on hidden weapons of mass destruction.”
According to his last wishes, Kissinger’s family have lined his grave with 50 years worth of hidden land mines. Kissinger is survived by his family, and thousands of veterans whom he lovingly gifted with PTSD.