BERKELEY, Calif. — On Wednesday morning, an American Studies class’s final review session erupted in turmoil when professor Genevieve Bater accidentally projected a photo of her and her “partner” onto the screen, revealing the shocking truth of her gender-ambiguous significant other — a man.
Reeling in painful betrayal, Bater’s students have begun to unpack a semester of what they now call “queer-coded lies.” According to some sources, the clout-chasing professor has referred to her husband as her ‘partner’ for longer than she has taught this AMERSTD 109: ‘Scandals and Scams Throughout American History’ class – no matter the timeline, all good scams must come to an end, and it appears this act is finally up.
“No one was ever supposed to know!” exclaimed Bater, a straight fool. “Admittedly, I just learned about saying ‘partner’ recently. Apparently people feel it establishes more relationship-equity compared to traditional terms – I don’t relate, and feel most empowered calling Adam my ‘Hubby-Wubby.’ I’m only saying ‘partner’ because Title IX is on my ass for misgendering 20 students last year, and I’m rehabilitating my image. It’s not my fault that being a POSSIBLY gay 58-year-old woman makes me cooler! I was nervous the students would see right through me, even with the little gay desk flag I bought, and here we are. It’s not my fault my college ‘experimenting’ didn’t stick, but I’m still part of the community! The ‘A’ stands for ally, and you know I’m the best one around. I do my fair share of girl-kissing with some margarita in me, I too listen to Big Thief, and I’ve even watched and enjoyed But I’m A Cheerleader! That’s got to count for something.”
In fact, it does not. Later that afternoon, as students cornered Professor Bater with pitchforks in her woke-decorated office, they were overcome with the feeling her precious signed U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team poster was fake too.