LAS VEGAS, Nevada. — In a decision resulting in white women becoming the most defensive group since the time people asked them to stop filming black people living their lives, indie music star Taylor Swift has reportedly told the environmental activist community to “Shake It Off,” where “it” refers to her annual jet fueled consumption of 8,293.54 tons of CO2.
“Look, I’ve always believed in living life to the fullest, whether it’s through my music, tours, or my slightly larger-than-average carbon footprint!” exclaimed Swift as she sipped on her Stanley Cup from the new Travis Kelce-Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy collaboration. “And to me, part of living to the fullest means flying thousands of miles back and forth between every single ‘Eras’ tour stop and Chiefs’ football game. But let’s face it, my private jet doesn’t fly on good intentions. Sometimes, you just have to acknowledge that a girl needs her space—and by space, I mean the atmospheric kind filled with my personal emissions. I’m just so tired of having only blank spaces! Think of the Earth as just being a massive Swiftie – it’s turning Red (Taylor’s Version)!”