BERKELEY, Calif.- Late Saturday night, official news publications were alerted by the UC Berkeley’s Top Secret BINKIE (Berkeley Institute of Neuro-linguistic Kinesic Infant Emulation) Research Laboratory that their cutesy meter readings had broken records. The meter, otherwise known as the BINKerator, hovers between a four or five on a normal night, when it detects frequencies of pillow talk between fully grown adults.
“According to our tracking baby-talking data, the highest annual scores are achieved on Valentine’s Day, when they can reach up to a 7 on the BINKerator. On the night of the incident, the meter reportedly reached an unprecedented high of 83.6,” explained top BINKIE researcher Enfan Tile. “The lights in the lab flickered, the glass on the meter shattered, and every door in the building spontaneously flew open.”
After a thorough investigation, researchers were able to track down and detain the cause of the spike: an unnamed 24 year old woman on Northside who, in casual conversation with her housemates, referred to the tragic and deadly disaster at Chernobyl Nuclear Plant as “Chernobies”. She was immediately placed on citizen’s arrest and held until authorities arrived at the scene.
Reporters spoke to several witnesses who gave graphic insight into the incident. One such witness, who prefers to remain anonymous for fear of backlash from the baby-talking community, explained her thoughts.
“As soon as she said it, everyone in the room knew that we had let things go too far. We had overlooked so many warning signs, so many red flags. We thought the occasional “I hungy” or “eepy” was harmless. Who could have known what would come of it? This must be exactly how the leaders of the Bolshevik Revolution felt when they saw how shitty the Soviet Union turned out”.
While one might think that adult baby talk is reserved only for freaks and weirdos, data from the BINKIE Lab indicates that Berkeley is crawling with closeted baby-talkers. They could be in your classes, in your clubs, and they may have even infiltrated your friend groups. Be cautious, be alert, and most importantly: don’t trust anyone.