BERKELEY, Calif. – It’s easy to think that parking enforcers are out to get you, specifically. To Nobel Laureate, a pre-Haas freshman, this feeling is all too familiar.
“When I heard there were literally parking spots with my name, I thought it was some sort of crazy joke, honest to god. When I saw one for the first time, all I could think was like, ‘holy shit,’’’ claims Laureate. “I guess they really wanted me to feel welcome or something, I dunno, but you best believe I started using those. At least, until they started coming for me.”
What started as an ordinary parking ticket quickly turned into what Laureate called a “smear campaign.” Parking tickets were allegedly superglued to his windshield, with messages like “PAY IT, DUMBASS.” He also claims he received threatening letters on a regular basis, and was given numerous “phone fees” after his attempts to contact the department. Berkeley PD contests these claims.
“Ok, ok, good one. I refuse to believe you’re serious. This is some sick joke,” laughed an anonymous officer in the parking division. “But joke’s over kid. I know there’s not really a “‘Mr. Laureate’” he added, gesturing with air-quotes.
After a pause, he asked forcefully, “how’d you even get in my office? Who the fuck are you? I’m going to call security.”
Stories like Laureate’s are not unique. Handy Cap, another student, has been fighting a similar battle for almost a year.
“I mean, if I can’t park in the spots made for me specifically, something’s just fundamentally wrong,” claims Cap, who has fought time and time again to use the “Handicapped” spots bearing close resemblance to his name. “We gotta overthrow the whole system, simple as that. It’s rotten to the core. But until then, I’ll fight like hell for what I know is right.” Cap claims he’ll take it “as far as the Supreme Court” if he has to. No court cases have come from the situation yet.
Since their interviews, Cap and Laureate have been stuck clogging bus lanes—places Cap claims are “hoarded by the greedy bus drivers”. The duo’s parking protests remain unresolved at present. It is yet to be seen whether they will be celebrated alongside Berkeley’s many civil disobeyers or relegated to receiving passive-aggressive emails from school administrators.