BERKELEY, Calif.– Karl Marx’s recent visit to a UC Berkeley co-op has resulted in the founder of the communist ideology’s decision to redact previous statements he had made in support of socialism.
“The petrified shitstains present in the first toilet bowl I encountered were enough to make me rethink a couple hundred years of socialism,” said Marx, fanning himself with a Communist Manifesto,“not to mention the thousands of empty whippets glued to their walls.”
UC Berkeley junior and co-op president Manny Festo admitted they had failed their most recent habitability check. “Residents don’t really commit to their work shift, and I guess the building itself is falling apart,” he said while dressed in a $200 Patagonia. “Everyone’s a little lazy—but it’s an equal amount of lazy, which makes it equitable.”
After recovering from his existential breakdown by sipping a spicy marg at the rooftop bar of a downtown Berkeley new-build apartment, Marx continued to condemn his modern socialists. “These youngsters need to take a trip to a Stalin-era gulag,” he was heard saying to other patrons.
At press time, Marx was considering opening up an Etsy shop to resell drop-shipped Stanley tumbler accessories from China. “I have been denying myself the opportunity to participate in capitalism for so long,” he mused, “but now, what’s holding me back from pursuing my passion in decorative straw caps?”