BERKELEY, Calif. – Due to totally foreseeable and controllable circumstances, many Monday classes are accommodating the two weeks worth of missed classes by having students take an in class midterm on the first day of class. This bold move has sparked widespread controversy amongst students and educators alike.
“I mean, what else can students expect? Yes, it’s not even the first class and we’re already behind, but I daresay it’s their own fault for choosing to have off two Mondays in a row! Certainly the academic administration would plan better than this, those lazy kids probably wanted an extra day in Cancun,” Professor Smith exclaimed over his forty liter bucket of coffee. “In my day, there was no such thing as a ‘federal holiday’, or a ‘mental health day’, or a ‘forty hour work week’, or ‘work life balance’, we just worked, did methamphetamines, and then we did more work. Students these days are really lacking that same intellectual rigor and discipline we had back then. Right now, the real issue is we’re already behind and the only way to catch up is to start running!”
Despite Professor Smith’s enthusiasm over his class’s starting procedure, his students appeared to be less than enthused on the matter.
“What – we have a what? I’m sorry, WHAT? I literally just skimmed the syllabus before class, there was not a single piece of information or anything! Not even a bCourses message (which goes through your Canvas inbox, not your email one!) from my GSI or a class announcement, this is actually fucking insane”, says senior Neena Minut, in the midst of furiously scanning her required readings list. “How can the professor even expect us to do well on the exam, let alone know what the fuck is happening! Like what the actual fuck is happening. Am I being punk’d right now? Oh my god, I’m totally being punk’d, right? Right?”
Regardless of assurances that she was not being punk’d right now, Neena Minut continued to laugh uncontrollably as she scanned the room for hidden cameras. At news time, it was reported that Professor Smith updated the syllabus to reflect another midterm scheduled for the following week.