National Boyfriend Day has a bad habit of just sneaking up on you. Today, without warning, my only safe space, Instagram dot com, was invaded …
Promoted! Friend Takes Out BOTH Earbuds to Talk to Me
I was having another dreary morning as I forced my dumpy ass to trudge all the way up to fucking Etcheverry for a discussion section. …
UC Berkeley Drops to #2 Public University Because of You Specifically
BERKELEY, Calif. – On the afternoon of September 23rd, 2024, members of the UC Berkeley community were shocked to discover that U.S News had downgraded …
“I Just Think I Could Do Better,” Says Man Addicted to Flavored Air
BERKELEY, Calif. – To the surprise of no one, yet another college-aged man has told his girlfriend that while she may check several of his …
“Sure, I’ll Table on Sproul Today,” Says Student with Humiliation Kink
BERKELEY, Calif.– After a long, hot summer away from the crowds on Sproul Plaza, most club executives dread the first weeks of the semester as …
“Actually, I Took a Gap Year,” and More Shit to Say if You’re Insufferable
Are you a socially awkward former “AP Scholar” who wants everyone to know how annoying you are? Worry not: here are a few things to …
Shocking: Homer’s ‘The Odyssey’ Plagiarized from Doe Women’s Restroom Graffiti
BERKELEY, Calif.– In the most shocking revelation since Sappho having more than just “gal pals,” anthropology researchers found that Homer’s so-called “original” (The Odyssey) was …
UGH: Friend in Dining Hall Really Interrupting My Planned Youtube Session
Earlier this afternoon in Cafe 3, I was trying to pretend to enjoy my pasta with lentil bolognese. My comfort of solitude was accompanied by …
Opinion: What the Fuck is a Coffee Chat???
My friends and family may describe me as a “satire writer,” but this time, I’m being completely serious: what the fuck is a coffee chat? …
UC Berkeley Announces New ‘Zero Waste by 1970’ Campaign
BERKELEY, Calif. – After the massive success of UC Berkeley’s ‘Zero Waste by 2020’ campaign, the university’s administration has announced that it will be pulling …