A DIMLY LIT SODA HALL 320 – Tears and cries surrounded the halls of Berkeley early Wednesday morning. CS students and professors alike mourned the loss of Python, the beloved/hated/mildly infuriated code operating system, which decided to kill itself instead of running the code from this year’s CS61A midterm.
“When I put the first question in, a simple problem which re-defined a global variable in a different frame 3 separate times before calling 26 successive list mutations all in the theme of tv show Severance, I thought Python would compute easily, but when it printed ‘Dear God please not this shit again,’ I knew something was up,” stated Professor and prime suspect in the compelled suicide John Denero, while various TA’s cried behind him. “When I put in the next question, which named a dog object a cat and a cat a lizard before asking it to ‘meow’ python printed a gun, then a sad face, and finally an explosion, before my entire system shut down.”
UCPD chief John Mcginnley was fast on the case once it happened, only taking 12 hours from the 911 call to get to the location of the suicide, taking only a further 12 hours before posting a vague Warnme about Berkeley resources with no real context as to why the post was being made.
“Look, did we catch the GBC thief, the kid who shot at Clark Kerr, or the person who threw the bike at the houseles man on fire? Maybe not, but we will get to the bottom of who caused this tragedy one way or another,” Mcginnley asserted, while simultaneously turning off his ringer that was alerting him to a blue button press. “If there’s one thing UCPD does, it’s neglect the interests of the students, and when Python oppressed so many in 61A, we’ll be sure to restore it soon
While some cs students openly mourned Python in the rain outside Soda Hall on Thursday (their first shower in weeks), others seemed mildly relieved like Freshman and prospective DS major Sue Carino.
“Honestly I think Python took the noble way out, I got so confused writing my answers that I put the lyrics to Rap God for question 5 (ironically, the correct answer was Humble by Kendrick Lamar)” Carino explained, with a 5 thousand yard stare typically observed for Civil War veterans and people who have to go through consulting networking sessions. “I think the person next to me started speaking in tongues halfway through, but honestly I don’t think God could’ve saved me on that one.”
With Python out for the immediate future, the CS department is looking to give a F to everyone on the test regardless of performance, as the major is somehow currently overenrolled by 500 people.