DWINELLE 150, Calif.- Look, while syllabus week can at times feel repetitive and boring, it doesn’t mean I can’t see you watching fullscreen fan edits of hockey smut to Jeff Buckley’s “Lover, You Should’ve Come Over” while the professor stresses mandatory attendance. We are shoulder to shoulder in this Chem 3A Lecture hall. It’s not just that I, (the person sharing your armrest) can see that your entire Instagram explore page is boys in hockey uniforms looking into each other’s eyes, but literally everyone from rows 1 to 17 can hear the whimpering from your laptop speakers.
It’s like, I am currently being told that if my problem sets are turned in one day late then bCourses is going to automatically fail me and mandate I meet with the dean to negotiate the terms of my expulsion. Instead of retroactively booking midterm week study rooms, here I am sitting here plagued with the question of what made Illya Rosanov in episode six finally surrender to the love he’s been suppressing for all these years? What must it feel like to secretly love your industry rival, a sweet tender boy from Canada, while dealing with the internal struggle of your complicated Russian home life? Like dude, I have missed every iClicker question and the answers are literally on the slides.
And I get it- it’s hard getting back into the swing of things after break, but didn’t you say 2026 was the year of meal prepping and networking? Your best friend just told me you deleted all your social media accounts to “better align your chakras.” Those Shane Hollander blowjob edits cannot be halal. Starting off the semester with some fun is great, but we can ALL see you mouthing the exact dialogue as you’re watching these scenes, and I no longer feel like listening to the lecture is a choice I can morally make.
To anyone watching Heated Rivalry edits during lecture today, I hope you know that yes, we can all see you, and that help is on the way, because while you were getting teary-eyed at the seventh Hollanov Lizzy McAlpine montage you missed six Gradescope assignments and the GSI already hates you. Good luck!