BERKELEY, Calif.– After a long, hot summer away from the crowds on Sproul Plaza, most club executives dread the first weeks of the semester as …
Misleading Name? Berkeley “Playhouse” Won’t Let Me Make Vroom Vroom Sounds with My Toy Car
Warning: the story I am about to tell you features grave injustices and major gaslighting. Like many other theater-lovers, I attended a show at the …
Berkeley Consulting Replaces Interviews with “Naked and Afraid” Style Game Show
DEEP IN THE WOODS NEXT TO VLSB, Calif. – Berkeley Consulting has unveiled a new, state-of-the-art recruitment format by hosting their first annual “Stripped for …
BearWalk Extends Operation Hours Following ‘BearWalk-of-Shame’ Rebrand
BERKELEY, Calif.– Got stranded in a blasphemous frat bathroom and couldn’t stop pulling trig until 3 AM? Hookup gave you the boot from his place …
UC President Michael Drake’s “Free Speech Ban” Receives Full Support, Zero Opposition
A HOME YOU’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO AFFORD, Calif. — After months of encampments protesting Israel’s ethnic cleansing of Palestinians, brother of Michael Josh and …
“Actually, I Took a Gap Year,” and More Shit to Say if You’re Insufferable
Are you a socially awkward former “AP Scholar” who wants everyone to know how annoying you are? Worry not: here are a few things to …
Shocking: Homer’s ‘The Odyssey’ Plagiarized from Doe Women’s Restroom Graffiti
BERKELEY, Calif.– In the most shocking revelation since Sappho having more than just “gal pals,” anthropology researchers found that Homer’s so-called “original” (The Odyssey) was …
Considerate Biden Drops Out Only 8 Months Too Late
WASHINGTON, D.C. – After weeks of debate regarding President Biden’s mental sharpness and ability to formulate basic sentences without sounding like a 400-year-old corpse, he …
Sorry! This Article is Under Construction, Please Go Around
BERKELEY, Calif. — Amidst the pandemonium of the final days of class and flocks of visiting families, local adminsiKt5984Fsadk$&3lxjwh[THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT. THIS …
Moffitt Removes Smoking Section
BERKELEY, Calif.– As part of his early plans to modernize campus grounds, Chancellor-elect Richard Lyons’ has announced the removal of Moffitt’s smoking section by Fall …