I was having another dreary morning as I forced my dumpy ass to trudge all the way up to fucking Etcheverry for a discussion section. …
UC Berkeley Drops to #2 Public University Because of You Specifically
BERKELEY, Calif. – On the afternoon of September 23rd, 2024, members of the UC Berkeley community were shocked to discover that U.S News had downgraded …
I Am Malala: The Girl Who Stood Up for Waitlisted Students
If I had a nickel for every time someone told me to be grateful for the opportunity to attend UC Berkeley, I would be able …
Breaking! Gig Car That Doesn’t Smell Like Weed and Ass Unearthed
BERKELEY, Calif. — On Sunday morning, after a riotous first few weeks of the semester, junior Tiffany Wilson made a bewildering discovery. Parked two feet …
Office Siren? I Set Off the Fire Alarm
This past weekend, I office-sirened more than anyone ever has, both literally and (I know now) figuratively. With the rush of the Supernanny audio playing …
REPORT: Catcaller Really Good at Tabling
BERKELEY, Calif – A recent URAP study conducted earlier this month has sent the Berkeley campus into a frenzy with its surprising, or perhaps unsurprising, …
Fact Checking the Trump-Harris Presidential Debate
PHILADELPHIA – Following the first and only presidential debate between Vice President Kamala Harris and former President Donald Trump, news outlets have rushed to correct …
Too Far? Chronic Baby-Talker Refers to Chernobyl as “Chernobies”
BERKELEY, Calif.- Late Saturday night, official news publications were alerted by the UC Berkeley’s Top Secret BINKIE (Berkeley Institute of Neuro-linguistic Kinesic Infant Emulation) Research …
“I Just Think I Could Do Better,” Says Man Addicted to Flavored Air
BERKELEY, Calif. – To the surprise of no one, yet another college-aged man has told his girlfriend that while she may check several of his …
“Sure, I’ll Table on Sproul Today,” Says Student with Humiliation Kink
BERKELEY, Calif.– After a long, hot summer away from the crowds on Sproul Plaza, most club executives dread the first weeks of the semester as …