TERRA INCOGNITA, Calif.— Daily life in the small community of Terra Incognita has been completely uprooted after resident community member, myth, legend, hero, and sometimes delinquent “Local Man” appears to have moved to a new location.
“He just completely disappeared,” neighbor Shirley Davis, HOA committee member and long-reigning champion of the annual town bake sale, commented. “One day little Jimothy pointed out the window, and I saw Local Man’s lawn littered with cardboard boxes. The next day, a U-Haul was parked out front. By the afternoon, he was gone. He was a good man. A good, local man.”
However, when other residents were interviewed about Local Man’s contributions to the community, as well as his general appearance, they supplied inexplicable and often bewildering reports.
“Yeah, I knew Local Man. He was about six foot three and had a strange ethereal glow. No, maybe he was about five foot four with dark hair. Or maybe he was a woman,” high schooler Liam Swayne revealed, tossing his hair out of his eyes repeatedly by moving his entire head. “Whoever he was, the guy was awesome. He climbed Mrs. Lindsey’s tree to save her cat. He pulled old Mr. Wilson out of the fire at the church. So what if he’s wanted for vehicular manslaughter, arson, and selling exotic animals on the dark web? Does it matter? We all live on a floating rock, anyway.”
The townspeople held a small assembly this past Saturday to commemorate Local Man’s involvement in the community. Mayor Applegate opened the ceremony with a few moving words to those affected by the sudden disappearance.
“Thank you all for gathering. Local Man, while not gone forever to the pastures of heaven, has galloped off to greener stables,” he began, banging his hand against the table for emphasis. “When the pipes burst in the schoolhouse, Local Man led classes at his home. When illness broke out, Local Man found a cure. When there was a series of strange disappearances and cryptic Zodiac-killer-style notes mailed to the local police, we might not have said it, but we ALL suspected Local Man. And now, like a sweet kiss from the lips of an angel, he is taken from us too soon.”
When asked about the sudden disappearance, local authorities declined to speak. The police chief simply advised us to inform readers to keep an eye out for a man, ranging from four feet to seven, with either black, brown, or blonde hair, and to avoid any areas that could be classified as modern American suburbia.