On last night’s episode of Young Impressionable Boys Joining Problematic Party Cults, it was discovered that Brad Henderson was rushing Sigma Alpha Epsilon for “the wrong reasons”. After the day’s group date event — in which the boys fought for Rush Chair Jeremy Jenner’s attention by drinking copious amounts of Vitali and proving their masculinity to each other through dodgeball — many became concerned with Brad’s motivations. According to another rushee, Hank Hoffman, Henderson had previously expressed his interest for joining the cult to be purely philanthropic, something Hank knew that Jeremy would take issue with.
“It’s not like any of us here actually care about philanthropy,” Hoffman scoffed, “my motivation comes from innate insecurity about my worth that I want to mask through drunkenness and perpetuation of societal stereotypes that disadvantage women and minorities.”
Assured of his strong connection with Jeremy, Hank felt that it was not only his right, but his responsibility to inform the public of Brad’s bad intentions.
And that’s where things began to get messy.
After receiving the shocking news, Jeremy was clueless about who he could be able to trust. For if one of the rushees was here for the wrong reasons, who was to say that there weren’t more? Onlookers could see that the Rush Chair was becoming visibly overwhelmed.
It escalated further when the group had to watch Jeremy hop the fence of the frat house right into the middle of the streets of Piedmont Avenue, running away from his responsibilities to the cult. Not even the Fraternity President, Chris Harrison, was able to locate him after hours of heedless searching.
Upon his eventual return, the group had congregated in the chapter room to hear who had made the cut to be able to stick around for another night. Bids were passed out to many, including: that guy with the PBR sticker on his laptop in your R1A class, Chad, white guy with dreads, Chad, a literal pair of Rainbows, and another dude named Chad. The final bid card was out on the table, and all eyes were on Brad and Hank. After a long pause, Jeremy, who looked like he had been crying, decided that neither of the two would be moving on.
“I just feel like I really shot myself in the foot here,” Hank said as he rode his Boosted Board back to Clark Kerr, “I just feel shitty.”
Brad reportedly passed out in his own puke that night due to his choice of coping method: finishing an entire bottle of UV Blue and calling his ex from high school.
Truly the most dramatic season yet!