BERKELEY, Calif. — Since President Trump’s inauguration, academic and journalistic institutions have been repeatedly attacked for failing to comply with the new administration’s expectations. While we never thought that it could happen here, we at The Free Peach have received a letter ourselves mandating compliance with certain anti-DEI initiatives at the behest of the federal government. Even though it may result in the immediate termination of our publication, we believe that it is our duty as satirists and our duty as students at one of the most “progressive” universities to remain defiant in the face of authoritarianism—authoritarianism that is no longer encroaching, but that which is already at our doorstep. Below is the unedited, unabridged letter we received from the Trump administration.
April 1, 2025
Ajay Madala
Editor in Chief
The Free Peach
Gypsy’s Trattoria Italiana
2519 Durant Avenue, BF1
Berkeley, CA 94704
Dear Mr. Mandala:
Please consider this a formal response to the current situation regarding the investigation into the University of California, Berkeley, and its discriminatory hiring practices launched on March 28, 2025. Since that date, our committee has found several instances in which people of color were treated with more respect than they deserve, with an egregious degree of this frankly un-American display stemming from your “satirical press.”
U.S. taxpayers invest enormously in U.S. colleges and universities, including UC Berkeley, or, as we shall refer to them from here on out, WSL (Woke Snowflake Liberals). It is the responsibility of the federal government to ensure that our country’s student body receives as much debt to as little substantial education as possible. In other words, we elect to ignore problems with actual significance, and we proudly choose instead to wage pointless “culture wars” that only serve as a distraction from the masses coming together to stage the Revolution of the Proletariat. WSL has fundamentally failed to uphold our nation’s inclusive and esteemed values of white supremacy, imperialism, institutional racism, and male chauvinism. Anyways, we believe that The Free Peach is instrumental in perpetuating hate against white Americans, men, and Zionists, who have all faced historical discrimination since 2015’s GamerGate scandal, where minorities were forcibly imposed into our beloved AAA video games. This letter outlines immediate next steps that we regard as a precondition for formal negotiations regarding The Free Peach’s continued existence at WSL—despite your lack of official Wikipedia page. Please ensure and document compliance with the following no later than the close of business on Wednesday, April 8, 2025:
- No more jokes about our President’s mushroom penis. If the students at WSL are smart enough to develop a nuclear bomb designed to kill Asian commies, then they are smart enough to know that “below average” does not necessarily mean small. And stop saying he’s 5’9, OK? He is 6’3 in person. The photos just make him look a bit different.
- Fire anyone from a non-WASP background. What’s up with all the Jews, Lesbians, and Indians in the publication? Are our top quirked-up White boys not enough for you? That’s it. We’re commissioning Bo Burnham to do another Netflix special.
- Stop going to class and start getting DUIs like real Americans. Unlike communist Europe with their “public transportation” and “well-funded infrastructure,” we uphold the right to get violently drunk and get behind the wheel of a large automobile.
- Speak over others to add nothing. Oh, you were gonna say something? Shut up.
- Mask enforcement. While we believe that masks inherently protect the identities of protestors and thus hinder our ability to deport those with perfectly valid green cards, we implore you ugly bastards to continue covering your faces for everyone else’s sake.
- Empower internal law enforcement. Let them feel more at home in their bodies and make it clear that every body is a law enforcement body! Buy each and every one of them some flowers and make them feel special <3
We expect your immediate compliance with these critical next steps, after which we hope to open a conversation about immediate and long-term structural reforms that will return The Free Peach to its original mission of making semi-amused people blow air out of their nostrils real mild-like.
Josh Gruenbaum
Comm’r Of The Fed. Acquisition Serv.
General Services Administration
Sean R. Keveney
Acting General Counsel
U.S. Dep’t Health & Human Servs
Thomas E. Wheeler
Acting General Counsel
U.S. Dept. of Education
Elon Musk
Annoyingly Happy to Be Here
The World’s Most Specialist Boy