VATICAN CITY — Pope Leo XIV made his debut as the world’s first American pope, promising to demonstrate his dedication to the Catholic faith as well as his love of affordable french fries with the establishment of St. Peter’s Basilica’s first McDonald’s.
“In the entirety of Catholicism’s 34 years existence, marked by the release of Depeche Mode’s Violator, we have never seen anything like this,” marveled papal spokesman Cardinal Antonio Marioluigimangionetonysopranodannydevitoucci. “Not only can I get a side of ‘Tangy BBQ’ sauce with my 8pc McNugget order, but it even comes with a toy! You don’t know how boring Mass can be, so this will really come in handy.”
Self-proclaimed papal-stan Hoel Eewater explained the process.
“After a month of Catholics and infidels alike mourning the loss of the beloved, certified ‘chill dude’ Pope Francis, there was great uncertainty surrounding the future of the Catholic church. It wasn’t until white puffs of smoke from Cardinal Matteo Zuppi’s matcha-flavored vape emerged from the magical papal chimney that the anticipatory masses got our answer as to who the new pope would be.”
“It was about time we had an American running the show,” fellow American and Bishop Johnathan O’Costco said. “For too long the papacy has suffered from a lack of convenient, hot-and-ready food options to choose from before announcing that gay people and New York Yankees fans don’t go to Heaven.”
While some critics are concerned that an American pope provides the dying empire even more hegemonic control over the globe, others point out that a McDonald’s in St. Peter’s Basilica will be great for local tourism.
“It’s a shame that in a time of steadily increasing fascist attitudes around the world, we were not blessed with an amicable, open-minded leader such as Manila’s Archbishop Luis Antonio Tagle. I mean, really, if there’s anyone who deserves to be pope, it’s a Filipino who can sing his heart out!” commented Marioluigimangionetonysopranodannydevitoucci. “For everyone’s sake—across the globe—I just hope that His Holiness can find it within his heart to declare that drizzling ketchup on top of one’s fries as opposed to dipping them is an affront to God.”
When asked for more ideas regarding what else an American pope could do for the global Catholic community, this Jewish writer simply shrugged in ignorance—not entirely knowing what a pope normally does, anyways.