[THE 4TH CIRCLE OF HELL, BERKELEY Calif] – Passerbys were stunned earlier today as Haas freshman James “Money Man” Niani stood motionless outside a stunning home in the Berkeley Hills.
Originally planning to “network” with everyone in the affluent suburb by asking one question and then ranting about his internship at Goldman Sachs, James was struck with the most unusual question: “Trick or treat?” Having never socialized without the subcontext of wealth-building, Niani quickly utilized his business acumen to respond to the issue.
“He just pulled out his phone and started prompting chat,” proclaimed Dolores Smith, the second year psychology PHD and intended victim of this social parasite. “I could see his screen, and he just like kept asking it to explain what trick or treat meant if he was 12… then 10… then 8… and so forth until he started angrily grunting at his phone and yelling about KPI’s”
Fast on the scene, Kyle Houser, a member of Cal’s Young Republicans who had been protesting the redistribution of wealth from rich to poor via candy, described James’s subsequent reactions as one of a man on the brink.
“I mean, he just started rambling about being a Haas-sponsored organization [Niani is a member of one of Berkeley’s 500 prestigious consulting clubs] and how he could bring BCG insights to optimize GTM projects,” Kyle revealed, while simultaneously glaring at the young children taking hard-earned money out of the economy. “At one point he just started saying Bay Area startup adjectives like ‘frictionless’, ‘flow’, and ‘seamless’, before inevitably pulling out his personal resume and just throwing it around.”
While some saw James’s struggle as a failure for the wider business community, others are looking to this struggle as an opportunity.
“We’re building ‘Hallow_AI_n’ a Stealth startup AI-based B2B SAAS leveraging ML and LLM API insights with random forests to help revolutionize the October 31st networking within UC Berkeley space. We’re looking at a CAGR of 100% and a conservative TAM of $1.2 Trillion,” detailed Haas/EECS sophomores John Walsh and Darren Eagle, who are renowned AI thought leaders in the Berkeley community. “We’re currently in the Peter Thiel Elon Musk YC fund round, but really at its heart, this is a company built on connecting people for good.”
While Niani may have froze at the door, he was still able to capitalize with a major support on his new Linkedin postt: “What shitting my pants when chat froze taught me about B2B Sales”.