BERKELEY, Calif.– In a new suit brought forth by the Department of Education against UC Berkeley, reformers allege that current Celtic Studies courses follow an outdated curriculum. Namely, one amicus curiae submitted by “Friends for Legendary Celtics” (FLC) contends that syllabi must be updated to cover Larry Bird.
“Institutions of higher education have failed our students,” read FLC’s statement to the court. “Celtic Studies classes routinely cover ‘the classics,’ like the Cattle Raid of Cooley or The Wooing of Etain, which we all know by heart. But academia routinely ignores the most dramatic underdog story, of a kid from Boston with a dream. The story of a paradigm-shifting Celtic: Larry Bird. No matter what course you enroll in, UC Berkeley fails to teach students Trialacha agus Streachailt Larry, or the ‘Trials and Struggles of Larry.’ The courts are the only recourse, as the board of the University of California continues to respond to each of our emails with ‘lol.’”
However, an opposing amicus curiae was filed by “The Laker Defense League” (LDF).
In their statement, the LDF decried the “Boston-centric hijacking of Celtic Studies curriculum.” Penned in purple ink on yellow paper, the brief chided the FLC for “short-sighted curriculum changes that lauds invalid heroes, while completely ignoring game-changers like Bron or Kobe (RIP).”
Initial rumors circling California’s Superior Courts imply that justices may take actions to reject the case on the grounds of being “completely frivolous” and to jail all involved parties for “wasting a Wednesday afternoon we’ll never get back.”