BERKELEY, Calif. — As some young lovebirds were enjoying their sickenly-sweet Valentine’s Day, several Instagram users had their love tested upon discovering that acquaintances they barely knew had crossed a major boundary: they had been added to their Close Friends story.
“We esteemed scholars in the STEM field call this phenomenon lovebombing—which essentially means someone traumatizes you by being really annoying. I know this might be a hard to grasp concept for some of y’all, but we did a deep dive about this in my PSYCH 1 lecture,” mused future barista Heather Featherstone. “I was shocked. I had know idea Myrtle knew me like that—in fact, I don’t even know her like that. I don’t even think her name is Myrtle!”
Other Instagram users shared Featherstone’s discomfort over having a glimpse into someone’s life outside of class.
“I was just trying to enjoy my Presidents’ Day Weekend—the most important February holiday, second only to Groundhog Day—when all of a sudden, I was overtaken by the force of a fierce, malevolent aura,” lamented Instagram sorcerer Sadie Roorda. “A circle small in size, yet proportionate in wickedness to the Circles of Hell… I was BLINDED by the viridescent luminescence of the green Close Friends Story indicator for the Story of someone I barely know! The work of an illustrious temptress, for sure!”
The general consensus amongst the public was that this maneuver was an immense display of inappropriateness.
“My privacy was invaded after I was forced to invade my classmate’s privacy. I don’t need to see their ugly selfies—they’re ugly enough as it is,” commented social media addict Manfred von Wunderhausserheifenhaifferwaffen. “I don’t think I’ve ever talked to this person beyond a half-assed in-class 5 minute discussion, yet here I am on their Close Friends Story. I’m not even on my girlfriend’s Close Friends Story!”
Following an influx of additions to Close Friends lists, data analysts at Meta reported an explosion of blocked accounts.