BERKELEY, Calif.- In an effort to distract from the fact that incel-King Elon Musk could be doing anything useful at all for anyone, his newly created Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) announced cuts to a medical research lab at Berkeley just days before the group was slated to find the cure for the male loneliness epidemic.
“Ever since we learned about how under-studied women’s health issues are, like for their hormones and stuff, I got really inspired to do research about something that affects me.” said Joseph Eyesuck, a grad student mentor who has just been laid off following DOGE’s announcement this morning. “Men these days are less likely to be in relationships, have close friends, and even go outside! And I was so close to uncovering who was doing all of this to us!”
Eyesuck’s research partner, Connor Smalld’k, explained more about his group’s massive breakthroughs.
“It all started after we came up with this new lab system. We called it Collabora-shunning, where all of us working in the lab got ranked based on two of the most important standards in the world: first, being able to jump high enough to high-five the exit sign above the door- and second, how heterosexual our vibes are. The straightest, highest jumpers like me did the most cool and chill-as-fuck experiments, and the feminine guys with no hops were relegated to spreadsheets. This ranking technique was insanely useful in our quest of finding out why men don’t have any friends! I’m pretty sure the department even gave us an award- something about being authentically immersed in our studies?”
The quality of excellence in this lab‘s work caused DOGE’s cuts to face significant backlash, prompting a response from Elon himself.
“I mean yeah, I guess I wish I had more friends. I’m always hanging around Trump but I can’t help but have this weird feeling that he’s using me for something? I don’t know. At night in bed, I sometimes find myself wishing there was a woman reaching out to me… I just want to feel needed. Even if she was just asking for help with child support or something.” Elon lamented despite being asked about what sort of DEI operations were occuring in Berkeley’s biomedical labs. “Didn’t you read my post on X! There are some people that go to that school that are… not white,” he whispered into the microphone while looking around the room at reporters.
Despite how awesome it might feel, recent polls that target incel manopshere consumers found that their rage towards women and minorities actually does not help with their mental health. Expert in this field, Joanna Jones, explained what these DOGE cuts will really do.
“As sociologists, we have suggested that men should go outside, take showers, put away their phones, and even try to speak to women- stipulating that yes, the ones they don’t think are hot still count as women. This epidemic has severe side effects. It’s been seen to cause men to mistake wealth for happiness, convince themselves they are geniuses even though they just purchased a company and exploit workers, and can also cause all women to hate them. In some cases, it has led to the descent of the American empire into a fascist dictatorship.”
Despite the consequences of this epidemic, the DOGE ban from this morning remains in place. Joseph Eyesuck and his lab group have already moved on to their new pastime, sports betting, where they expect their combined skills in statistics will make them rich, and their loneliness and emptiness to disappear soon thereafter. An investigation also concluded that Elon has still not paid child support- but, in an unexpected win for Elon, he might have found the one research lab that is truly responsible for waste, fraud, and abuse.