BERKELEY, Calif.– A group of fearless students recently took a stand against the “tyranny of cars” at the infamous intersection of Bancroft and Telegraph Avenue by walking directly into oncoming traffic while scrolling through Instagram Reels, using their bodies to prevent a line of cars from turning left on a green arrow.
“The Pedestrian Revolution is now!” proclaimed Ruel Daroad, leader of “Walkolution” (formerly known as “Pedolution,” though the reason for the rebranding remains unstated). “For far too long, we students have bowed to the rule of vehicles. That’s why my fellow revolutionaries and I are now crossing intersections at carefully calculated intervals of about 6 feet apart. It’s just enough to prevent cars from squeezing through, but not enough to allow them to pass us without being trapped in a never-ending state of vehicular limbo. To be clear, our goal is not to make Berkeley more walkable. Rather, we’re thinking outside the box by endangering every single pedestrian, driver, and bicyclist possible.”
“We’ve been able to gather a lot of momentum for this movement,” said member Puck Karrs, who was seen walking side by side in a large clump with members spilling off the sidewalk into the road. “It’s even spread to other campuses. Hundreds of students are blocking traffic for miles by gathering around frat houses every friday night, blackout drunk. Plus, we started the rumor that “getting hit by the 51B will get your tuition paid off. The Walkolution is here to stay!
Head of AC Transit, Sid TeeBus, explained his frustration with the organization. “For the last time, these rumors are completely false. Why would we– a public transit organization independent of the university– pay for your textbooks and dining hall plan just because you were hit by a bus? How does that even relate to your medical needs? It’s honestly baffling.”
At press time, twenty seemingly clueless students crossed the street during peak traffic hours, causing a 10-car pile-up on Bancroft.