BERKELEY, Calif. — After four hard years of studying the environment and why it is important to protect, graduating Rausser student Talullah Messmacher commemorated her academic achievements through graduate photos, tossing out confetti alongside all personal concern for nature.
“As an Environmental Science major, I know full well how harmful plastics and other non-biodegradable materials can be for the natural world,” mused Messmacher. “Which is exactly why after extensive research and careful consideration, I decided to throw golden confetti EVERYWHERE, which only takes 135 years to degrade as opposed to 195.”
Environmental conservationist and non-sellout, Carchel Rason, detailed the scene.
“It was horrific. Glitter littered the Memorial Glade, the Faculty Glade, Crescent Lawn, the Doe Library steps, the Doe Library reading room, the Doe Library books, and the Doe Library meth lab hidden between the “J” and “K” sections of the reading room named after everyone’s favorite party animal: Roger W. Heyns.”
“It’s not that big of a deal! It’s just—according to the three-piece, single-use packaging—280 pieces of plastic foil!” said Conservation and Resource Studies major Greta Goonburg Jr. “That’s only a fraction of the mess left out on the glade. I am practically blameless in this situation. Look, cataclysmic environmental devastation is temporary! After everyone dies, the Earth will sort itself out. What is not temporary, however, is how great these are gonna look on my LinkedIn page! Once something’s on the internet, it stays there forever, y’know!”
While some students argue that throwing confetti is harmful to local wildlife and ecosystems, one thing remains undeniably clear: these grad photos look sick as fuck.
“I will never forget my time here as an Environmental Economics student and all of the valuable lessons in sustainability and environmental management that I have learned,” reflected senior Hudson Oates. “I will now apply my incredible wealth of knowledge towards helping ExxonMobil pollute the atmosphere further. After all, isn’t the goal of studying the environment to learn how to defeat it?
As the debate surrounding excessive single-use plastic use continues, at the end of the day, if there is one thing that we can all agree on is that pollution is worth it for an unforgettable Instagram post.