BERKELEY, Calif – In a totally unsurprising turn of events, the Economic Consulting for Consultants Who Consult Club President Constance Lee Ongline’s liberal use of the Slack @channel feature has been revealed to be for purely personal grievances as opposed to pertinent club announcements. News of this shocking discovery has reverberated far and wide as community members grapple with this finding.
“I mean, who’s really shocked that she uses that shit for anything? I remember one time I got a notification at 2am asking the entire club if anyone knew the bathroom code to the Taco Bell on Durant because she was about to ‘Baja Blast’ herself. I swear, everytime I hear the goddam @channel ping I know it’s about to be some bullshit,” shares besieged club member Abigail Motter. “Who cares about her neighbor’s dog’s agility training updates? But she be blowing our shit up daily, worse than the Taco Bell bathroom.” Motter further elaborates that it is not just the content of the announcements, but the frequency which irritates club members. “Like let me read you guys the timestamps of the last six @channel announcements: yesterday at 9:12PM, 9:32PM,12:05AM, 12:06AM, 12:09AM, 3:45AM. That last one was because she got too drunk and needed to tell us that she ‘really fuckjs wit every1 adn i luv3 y’alk lmaoooooo.’ Meanwhile, I send an announcement one time about needing to find someone to fill my double ASAP and then thirty minutes later she sends ‘hey everyone, just a gentle reminder this Slack is for professional club use only!’ That bitch…”
For reporting purposes, The Free Peach has managed to collect and verify only some of Ongline’s 32,718 @channel announcements below, as Economic Consulting for Consultants Who Consult Club’s free trial of Slack Pro plan has seemingly expired.
“@channel guess who just bombed her midterm 🤪”
“@channel RACHEL u owe me $20 for the dinner last night thx”
“@channel if the business is true that you left your moms in the hood somebody go smoke that yute ”
“@channel does anyone have that one picture of harry styles that’s like the gender norms are beating his ass”
“@channel soooooo is no one gonna comment on my new haircut????”
Ongline has so far declined to comment on these findings, but notably has sent no fewer than 20+ announcements since the time of this article’s publication.