BERKELEY, Calif. – Sigma Chi pledge Don Wilderman had to strike a match after his door duty at last night’s SX rager, where he delivered an informative talk to partygoers which confused the 5 pillars of consent with the 5 pillars of Islam, sources newly educated in the Muslim faith report.

“What’s up motherfuckers? I know you’re all ready to par-tay, but before I can let you in, I’d like to talk to you a little bit about the 5 pillars of consent,” began the intoxicated intended-business major before veering wildly off course. “Consent requires shahada, salat, zakat, sawm, and hajj.” 

“Let’s start with shahada. Can any of you tell me what shahada is?” He continued to the crowd of approximately 10 cold, horny college freshmen and sophomores. “It’s okay to just throw vague monosyllabic synonyms out hoping I’ll believe you understand the concept – not that I care about that – and let you into the party.”

While members of the crowd from neighboring fraternities were initially irritated and puzzled, they eventually confessed gratefulness for Wilderman’s talk.

“At first I was like ‘what the hell is this?’” said DKE junior Will Polk. “None of the half-assed consent talks I’ve ever apathetically given contained anything about ‘fasting during the month of Ramadan’ and ‘making a pilgrimage to Mecca, one of the holiest sites in the religion of Islam.’ Maybe I just wasn’t paying enough attention during my mandatory sexual harassment training.” 

“Not that it matters,” added Polk’s friend Justin Gates, “but after Donny realized none of us knew what he was talking about, he let us into the party, no sweat. And then we got totally fucking blasted, which was tight. You can always count on SX to let you into their party whether or not you give a shit about consent!”

At press time, the brothers of Sigma Chi’s UC Berkeley chapter had just entered a meeting to address  Wilderman’s mistake, as well as consent, the Islamic faith, and what both of those are, exactly.


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