WASHINGTON, D.C. — In traditional holiday spirit, President Trump pardoned not one, but two lucky and surely culpable turkeys. The two turkeys, named Clill Binton and Jepstein Effry were relieved to hear that they would be pardoned for all their crimes.
It was a tough choice for President Trump; although he was nearly swayed by many younger and coercive-able options, his long and intimate history with the turkeys led to eventual decision. Despite being previously charged with a series of sex crimes, in the days leading up to the pardoning, the turkeys were placed in Willard InterContinental Hotel in Washington.
In his official pardoning statement, the President, after wiping his mouth, claimed,“These turkeys are some of the best turkeys I know. There is no one I trust more with a beautifully kept secret.”
Despite President Trump’s enthusiasm, the nation’s outrage has simmered to an all time high. Journalists are pressing the President for the status of his relationship with these turkeys, why they are kept in such comfortable condition, and why they were placed in a hotel right next to an elementary school.
After being bombarded with questions, President Trump seemingly changed his position, commenting, “I have never met those turkeys.”
Despite the President’s statement, the turkeys have been kept in comfortable condition under the support of the current administration. They look forward to returning to the White House stables, where they will reunite with Bubba.