Upcoming Panda Express on Bancroft Offers Relief from Relentless Stream of High-Quality, Authentic, Family-Owned Local Restaurants

“Oh man, it’s been way too long since I’ve had severe, rectal-prolapse-inducing constipation,” said senior Drum major Hunter Perry, who up until this point had been satisfying his late night cravings for indigestion with frequent trips to I.B.’s, Chipotle, and the Taco Bell Cantina. “When I’m feeling especially masochistic, a slice from Blondie’s will suffice, but the fact of the matter is that most of the food here is simply too rich in fiber to utterly destroy my digestive system. I’m so excited for the bone-dry fried rice from Panda Express to condense into an obelisk in my gut and carve the Grand Canyon out of my asshole. I swear to God, if that shit doesn’t tap my G-spot on the way out, I’m asking for a full refund.”