BERKELEY, Calif. — In the middle of the night on Jan. 3rd, campus officials deployed 1400 riot police to initiate long-anticipated plans to construct a ‘very’ low-income housing project, ‘People’s Park Memorial Hall.’ The University intends to pay a heartfelt homage by tarnishing and desecrating the existing People’s Park, which they claim is actually obstructing a proper celebration of the landmark.
“The Free Speech Movement is what put Berkeley on the map as a beacon of social justice,” said Campus Representative Noah Montrese. “We wanted to capture and preserve this legacy forever—that is why we will honor the Park’s legacy through a series of murals depicting social justice organizers and resistance to the development on the side of our new apartment buildings. Rent for a studio starts at $1,085 per month. That’s very affordable, right?”
A highly politicized issue, onlookers even past the campus community have expressed their support for the Hall’s construction.
“It’s about time somebody did something about that drug-ridden-commie-rats-nest! I’m very impacted by this saga because I’ve been following this story for a long time, and I’m glad to finally see some positive change in the community I know and love,” read a Tweet from Buff Spiffy, a resident of Tampa Bay, Florida.
While a citationless-infographic from the official UC Berkeley Instagram (@ucberkeleyofficial) claims a whopping two-thirds of students and community members support the divisive project’s construction, this leaves an elusive one-third left of individuals that oppose construction.
“Along with being a crucial site of the historical Free Speech movement, People’s Park remains one of the last green spaces on South Side. Not only would construction limit the public’s access to greenery, but it would put pressure on South Side’s local ecosystems,” shouted protestor Mason Claymor, who climbed and became stranded in a tree after UCPD confiscated ladders and all means to get down, while keeping military-grade assault rifles locked on his position. “People need low-income housing for sure, and call me crazy, but building over a historical landmark rather than the 14 other properties controlled by UC isn’t the way to do it.”
Despite clear opposition from this ‘bunch of hippies,’ the administration remains adamant on public enthusiasm regarding the project.
“You got that hippie’s line on record?” Montrese said. “No matter. I assure you, they are only a small minority and there’s no one better at crushing minorities than we are! And believe me, if it wasn’t a popular idea, we would have brought way more than 1400 police with machine guns in the middle of the night during winter break when no one’s on campus.”
When pressed for further questions, neither Campus representatives nor People’s Park residents could provide further comment, as a wall of shipping containers and barbed wire muffled their voices.