BERKELEY, Calif. — Following student protests outside of a planned event featuring anti-Palestinian speaker and IDF soldier Ran Bar-Yoshafat, Chancellor Carol Christ sent an email to the campus community reiterating her profound commitment to Berkeley’s historical values by making sure they remain historical.
“We cannot cede our values to those willing to engage in transgressive behavior,” Christ wrote about a broken window, and not the indiscriminate bombs killing 12,500 Palestinian children. “Fearing for one’s safety is no small issue and something the University takes very seriously, as long as it is not politically inconvenient. Berkeley has a long-standing historic commitment to free speech and protests. Still, it would be better for everyone, especially me, if this remains something I can reference in emails or name a café after.”
The email, transcribed directly from the mystic beeps emitting from Christ’s cryochamber, was a response to pro-Palestinian protesters expressing their dissent with whom the campus chose to platform.
“The attack on the building, and on the event,” the Chancellor continued, “was an attack on the fundamental values of the university, which are also essential to maintain and nurture open inquiry and an inclusive civil society, the bedrock of a genuinely democratic nation. It’s important to remember that while we don’t vote on military bills or decide foreign policy, we can decisively choose which voices to amplify and which to silence, especially if by we, you mean me. In response, I have negotiated a new three billion dollar contract to construct a Sather Dome missile defense system to ensure peace and security from future belligerent exercises of free will and deviating thought. As an administration, we will defend to the death your right to say things that we agree with.”
In the wake of some students criticizing the email as authoritarian in nature and antithetical to Berkeley’s legacy, Christ responded in a manner similar to any other crisis she has faced during her reign: by doubling-down and deplatforming any opposition.
“We as a community need to come together and think of our shareholders. It’s crucial that we distinguish between the freedom of speech and the freedom to break things,” Christ added. “One is enshrined in the constitution, while the other could potentially harm our reputation and, by extension, our endowment fund. In response, I have decided to momentarily come out of retirement to hold an exclusive seminar in the Fall titled ‘The Art of Peaceful Protest: How to Express Dissent Without Upsetting Important People.’”
As Berkeley stands on the cusp of a new era, and physically on the backs of protestors, it is important to remember our history as a campus committed to protest and free speech, so long as it’s not too free or too speechy.