BERKELEY, Calif. – At noon on Friday, April 26th, students gathered in front of Doe Library for Berkeley’s 4th-weirdest event, the burning of Kian Hess, a condemned Math 1B midterm-cougher, at the stake.
“You know I’ve had my troubles with people at this school, consulting club recruiters, Carol Christ, and those savage squirrels on Sproul, but if I had three bullets I’d shoot Kian 3 times, just to make sure,” fellow Math 1B student Amelia Hutch explained, while wearing a, 18th century peasant dress and donning a crucifix that showcased not Jesus, but his distant relative Carol. “When the first cough hit, I thought it was a horrific accident, no one could want to rattle a class that much, in such a coordinated way. But when that second cough hit the class, I knew that someone had to pay.”
As Kian Hess stood alone, shackled to a lamp post with some food strike protestors who had gotten their schedules mixed up, the blaze was lit. This would normally prompt a fire department to respond, but they were far too busy dealing with the KA, PKS, and ATO fire alarms to respond to the issue. As Hess cried, his friend Daisy stood alone, in the corner.
“I could have never expected him to become this monster – sure, he had sniffled once or twice and blown his nose before, but this? You just can’t believe that your friend would do that to someone,” Daisy wailed, who denied being a friend of Hess three times as they tied him to the stake. “You know, in a cruel way, this is a win for him. He was fucked for that CS 180 midterm, and now all the people watching this can’t go to office hours.”
While Hess screamed in horror at the burning pile of brush approaching his feet, the serendipitously cross-booked furry convention attendees aptly blasted “Firework” by Katy Perry on loudspeakers, adding a slightly festive mood to the affair.
Sean Robertson, a Berkeley tour guide given the noon slot for the day, was given the unfortunate task of explaining the event to onlookers.
“This level of real cultural and spiritual involvement in the arts is what really sets Berkeley apart, it’s just something you don’t get at larger schools,” said Robertson, as Hess burned alive behind him. “If you think about it, this is really a positive for the community, because it shows students taking action for what they believe in, which is what Berkeley is all about.”
With Kian burnt to a crisp, the group is inviting all students next week for a special burning of Josh Johnson, who had the gall to disagree with someone on a breadth class discussion board assignment.