BERKELEY, Calif. – A student accused of submitting a plagiarized Constitutional Law midterm is fighting the accusation by citing what she calls “her right to reproductive freedom.”
Junior Marissa Moscowitcz is accused of having used ChatGPT to write her midterm, an essay on gendered legal discrimination in American History. Her professor explained the serious nature of the charges.
“Marissa’s paper garnered a 95% similarity on ‘turnitin.com’, an objective plagiarism identification software. Now that’s because Chat GPT works by synthesizing sources across —” Began Professor Markham, before being interrupted by a student who proceeded to mansplain ChatGPT for seven minutes while simultaneously trading bitcoin.
When called in by the professor to explain herself, Moscowitcz was adamant.
“We are given inalienable rights through our constitution!” said Moscowitcz, a double major in Rhetoric and Political Science. “I know you said a bunch of nonsense about how Roe v. Wade ‘is incredibly important for the notion of bodily autonomy of all Americans’ and ‘never protected my right to plagiarism.’ But you know what, I don’t care if it’s a womb or writing! You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!”
Moscowitcz’s boyfriend and recent ASUC Senate elect Chad Bruhseff is a vocal supporter of her cause and has made it a priority of his ASUC reign.
“If I’ve learned anything in my political science classes, it’s that the constitution’s really what you make it… so let’s make it rock,” Bruhseff declared, misquoting Hannah Montana and barely pausing for a breath. “I’m all for reproductive freedom, and you can quote me on that, and also put it on the record for like, Harvard or whatever.”
Moscowitcz is currently on academic probation and is represented by the California Mock Trial Team. All further comments have been channeled through Sophomore Legal Studies Major and Cal Mock Trial Publicity Chair, Enid Woods. During a press conference held on the steps of the GBC, Woods drew a hard line.
“I stand here today as a representative of justice. We cannot allow this infringement of our rights, as students at a public institution,” Woods said while cracking open a sparkling Yerb at the podium. “My client Ms. Moscowitz never signed the Academic Honesty Pledge, nor did she read the syllabus! To put her on academic probation would be a blatant violation of…a whole bunch of amendments!”
When asked if she could name those amendments, Woods deflected.
“If Amy Coney Barrett didn’t need to know them, neither do I,” Woods told the crowd, after which she reacted with confusion when was asked if, as a “legal representative,” she had somehow passed the bar. “I went to Kips last week? Anyways, I’m officially launching the hashtag #mybodyparagraphmychoice.”
The issue has divided the campus, with about three people in the pro-Moscowitz camp, 2 conflicted, and roughly 35,051 without opinion.
“I’m not sure about this,” says Cal Turning Point President, Trustin Hypachristenson, while scattering “I LOVE MY GUN SO FUCKING MUCH” pins on his booth on Sproul and straightening out a stack of pocket constitutions. “On the one hand, I am unequivocally against those in the pro-choice camp, because it threatens INNOCENT lives, but on the other hand, she’s really making the law work for her, and she would honestly be great to have on the team…”
Amidst the discourse, Professor Markham maintains her stance.
“It wasn’t enough that I had to watch the U.S. government dismantle my right to bodily autonomy, and the Arizona Supreme Court literally time travel to 1864. Now I have to sit by as my student, who I’ve never actually seen attend a lecture, throws my last straw out the window. I think she only found out Roe had been overturned when she tried to use it for this ridiculous defense. So either she’s out or I am,” said Markham, who seemed hopeful for the latter.
The investigation is ongoing and no decisions beyond Moscowitcz’s current probation have been made by the Center of Student Conduct. Moscowitz has been seen on Sproul, tabling for her cause. Her booth can be found in between the Cal Sexual and Reproductive Freedom table and the Rock Climbing Club.