BERKELEY, Calif. — Proving that Cal students have game once and for all, Saturday marked the first time in history that UC Berkeley appeared on ESPN’s College GameDay, and while many of our esteemed boys in blue and gold were giving it their all on the field, one lucky little fella showed the greatest display of support a fan can do: die of heat stroke.
“It was an incredible display of school spirit!” remarked UC Rally Committee member Unglethurple Hoffenmeister. “After years of half-empty stadiums for non-Big Game football games, we’re proud to finally show that we are so passionate about Cal sports that we’re willing to die of heat stroke. Sure, you might argue that people only went all out for the tiny chance they would be visible on television for like five seconds and that they probably couldn’t even name a single player on the team. But, the important thing to remember is that they were wearing Cal merch so we can spin it however we want to push our message!”
As the student was wheeled away, fellow fans surrounded the student in a display of solidarity, cheering them on with their iPhones and BeReal photo-ops.
“Call us woke shit-libs all you want, but one thing’s for sure is that Cal knows how to party!” commented fellow spectator and 40-year-old alum who still goes to every Berkeley event, Chadstin Painthuffer. “As the paramedics were wheeling that guy out, everyone gathered around, took their body, and started crowd-surfing it! It was totally epic! Reminded me of the good ol’ days when I went to Cal, just getting blackout drunk every day with the boys. I would kill to go back,” he added with a face of deep regret and longing.
While some students were riding the high of the game, amongst other substances, others were quick to voice concerns about students waiting for hours in sweltering heat just for the chance of 15-minutes of fame.
“It’s a travesty, sure, that this student waited for hours outside with no sleep only to die of heat stroke,” mused UC Athletics supervisor Gragglefinker Dinklemop. “However, it is important to remember that this student signed their Athletics Rec Waiver, so on the bright side, no one can take legal action against us.”
After hearing the news of the Cal student’s heat stroke incident, the Cal football team conducted an emergency review session of Karl Marx’s Das Kapital to inspire them for the game.