BERKELEY, Calif. — All six members of the Revolutionary Communist Party (REVCOM) have flocked to Sproul Plaza in order to campaign for their non-campaigning candidate Bob Avakian, who proudly and defiantly announced that he was conceding the Presidential race before it even began.
“His High Holiness of the most Esteemed Order of the Noble Chapter of the Glorious Revolution Communist Party Mr. Avakian—or you can just call him Bob—has, in all his heavenly wisdom, announced that he will not be running for President,” explained REVCOM spokesperson Gary Mingleschminglehoffendorf. “Despite his divine status, he’s just like you and me! He has so boldly decided to sit this election out, just like millions of our fellow Americans. He will change the nation in a way that I am sure a lot of people can resonate with: by doing nothing.”
As a part of his progressive creed, Avakian is taking down the exploitative capitalist elite and the oppressive establishment by reminding them that the only winning move in this game is not to play—even if the other parties are making highly destructive moves.
“The REVCOMites are a pretty dedicated group of people with a considerable amount of on-campus presence,” commented UC Berkeley student Michael Scrotumberg. “Imagine how much MORE of an impact they’d have if they put their efforts behind actual leftist movements and candidates instead of focusing on propping up Bob Avakian as a cult-like deity descended from heaven!!”
On the plaza at Bancroft and Telegraph, REVCOM members could be seen chanting, marching, and picketing with protest signs that read “WE STAND FOR NOTHING!”
“I don’t see a problem with those guys. Already, Avakian is making a difference in the world,” noted Telegraph Avenue custodian Phillip Michael-Hendrickson. “If it wasn’t for REVCOM, I wouldn’t have all these flyers to trash, and I’d be out of a job!”
When asked for further comment, Mingleschminglehoffendorf simply pointed to Bob Avakian’s autobiography—now on sale for the low price of $19.99.