WASHINGTON, D.C – In a stupefying turn of events, President-elect Trump has officially nominated Dr. Mehemet “The Great and Terrible” Oz to oversee Medicare, prompting the esteemed Doctor to announce a bold, “magical” new yellow brick path to American Healthcare.
“It breaks my heart to watch so many Americans struggle to afford medical care,” said Oz, appearing before the press as a fearsome disembodied voice.“But we can’t just go around giving handouts. I mean, do they think the whole damn White House is made of emeralds? Instead, I propose an epic quest against the real threat the American people are facing: the Wicked Witch of the West!”
Oz went on to outline a plan that would allow every Medicare-seeker a chance to slay the Wicked Witch in exchange for full coverage and access to innovative, mystical new treatment methods as shown on his popular television show.
“The Witch must be stopped! To any brave American willing to slay her and bring me her golden cap, I will bestow upon them Medicare. Provided, of course, they use their health insurance to purchase my Dr. Oz approved cures and supplements. Available on my Instagram, link in bio.”
Tim Woodsmann, 37, suffers from congestive heart failure and needs Medicare to assist in the payments for his pacemaker.
“Ever since my woodcutting operation went out of business, it’s been really hard to pay my premiums. If I go kill the witch or whatever, Dr. Oz has promised that Medicare will cover a whole new heart! I saw on his show that there’s this revolutionary new transplant technique that involves sawdust and it’ll make me feel better in no time!”
Leon Fraidycat, 28, is also preparing to embark on the quest due to concerns about continued mental health coverage.
“I’ve been suffering from a generalized anxiety disorder since about 2016,” he said. “It’s really impacted my day to day life, and I don’t know if I can take it anymore. Therapy hasn’t helped, and I haven’t been able to afford medications. But Dr. Oz has claimed he has a “miracle cure” that will completely change my outlook, so at this point, slaying the witch seems like my best choice.”
However, the plan is not without its detractors. Dorothy Gale, recently displaced in a natural disaster and facing mounting bills and health issues, shares her skepticism.
“Look, I’m not saying he’s a con man, but I feel like there’s something going on behind the curtain. When I went to see him about my issues with disorientation, dizziness, and uh, the injuries associated with being hit by a friggin’ tornado, he just said I should ‘click my heels together and say buy now while supplies last!’ I mean, come on. Someone really should investigate that guy.”
Following the nomination announcement, the Wicked cast were seen crying in numerous interviews for completely unrelated and unknown reasons.