OHIO — Six Gen Alpha students from Albany High School were charged by the Alameda Prosecutor’s Office with felony assault after surrounding and beating the absolute crap out of a UC Berkeley junior in broad daylight. The attack, which has left social media debating whether Gen Alpha is built different, reportedly began after the victim made the fatal mistake of calling one of the attackers “lil bro.”
Self-proclaimed “alpha” and gang leader Skibidiah M., dressed in a Fortnite hoodie and adjusting his pit vipers with the confidence of a boy who has never known a world without iPads, displayed zero remorse at his arraignment earlier this evening.
“People keep asking me why I did it, but as I explained to the police: I saw this beta with a low taper fade watching Youtube shorts, so I edged closer, took out my baby oil, and beat the skibidi out of him. All of a sudden, he’s hunched over on the ground like he’s praying to Beyoncé. He was losing aura so there was nothing to do but finish him off,” Skibidiah said, wiping his mouth with an empty Takis bag.
Eyewitness accounts paint a similarly gruesome picture.
“This was the most brutal beatdown I’ve seen since the Ray Dunn pottery sale at Tarjet,” millennial onlooker Plyler Broakley described, pausing to adjust his Warby Parker glasses and take a shaky sip from his Oat Milk Nitro Cold Brew like a soldier recounting Fallujah. “All I can remember is how the middle schoolers started hitting the griddy around a lifeless body like some kind of child soldier ritual. Then, one of them pulled up their screen time report mid-fight, dropped their vape, and skedaddled.”
The news has led to an outpouring of sympathy from Gen Z Berkeley students who have already started a Change.org petition demanding stricter regulations on Nike Tech fleeces, a campus-wide ban on Prime Energy drinks, and counseling resources for students who have been publicly mogged.
“It’s just tragic,” lamented finsta influencer Elon Ma, who hasn’t attended a single class this semester but has posted 8 TikTok slideshows about the incident with the caption ‘ayo this is WILD 💀 #justice #fyp.’ While some take to social media, other students have employed a grassroots approach to raising awareness including a self-defense workshop entitled “Escaping the Mog” and the new “Andrew Tate and GTA V lobbies” DeCal.
At press time, Skibidiah M. was last seen posting a notes app apology that simply read ‘nah’ while his gang members livestreamed outside the courthouse, debating whether they should “free the Rizzlamic Caliphate” or “let big bro hold this L.”