BERKELEY, Calif. – With one of the largest pools of power hungry maniacs, kids who peaked as high school student body presidents, and self-important resume-padding assholes running for ASUC positions, we have conducted detailed research on all of them and created a list of endorsements. While, as a publication run by similarly irritating undergraduates, we socialize in the same circles as these candidates, this list is completely impartial and not at all decided by who we know personally. To ensure objectivity in our endorsements, we appointed an oversight committee that – just kidding, we don’t do any of that shit.
Candidate Endorsements:
President: A Single Digestive Biscuit
- In a world where students are being persecuted for expressing basic free speech, we need a bland candidate that has been so nondescript their whole life that they aren’t even a sentient being.
Editor’s Note, May 1st, 2025: At the time of this publication, we were unaware of the recent tweets made by digestive biscuit in 2008. We as an organization unequivocally condemn anyone with ties to extremist paramilitary groups.
Executive Vice President: Scheming 2nd Century Eunuch
- Scheming Eunuch has a long history of serving the emperor as a trusted advisor. He assured us he has no plans whatsoever to utilize his newfound closeness to the crown by feeding the president mercury pills and taking over the ASUC.
Academic Affairs Vice President: Joe Guy
- He is a guy with glasses, which seems pretty academic to me.
External Affairs Vice President: Bill Clinton
- He has had many external affairs that, as a nation, we were somehow kinda alright with.
Student Advocate: My Mom
- One time when the restaurant put pickles on my burger even after I told them “no pickles,” she told the waiter and made them remake it for me.
Referendum Endorsements:
Proposition 25B: BayPass
- We do not endorse this as a publication with many seniors, because we are like baby boomers in the sense that we refuse to vote for things that unilaterally benefit people younger than us.
Proposition 25C: TGIF
- We endorse this measure because as children we saw many cable ads for TGI Friday’s and assume this has something to do with that.
Senate Endorsements:
- Pre-Law Dweeb #1
- Affiliation: RaiseUpCal
- Pre-Law Dweeb #2
- Affiliation: ServeBerkeley
- Pre-Law Dweeb #3
- Affiliation: CalElevate
- Pre-Law Dweeb #4
- Affiliation: ServeCal
- Pre-Law Dweeb #5
- Affiliation: CalCalBerkeleyCal
- Joke Candidate Named “Queef Shart”
- Affiliation: ShartQUEEF