BERKELEY, Calif. – For students growing weary of Cal’s recent construction bonanza, administrators have finally promised an end in sight. Unfortunately, that date is, miraculously, the day after your graduation.
“I know this may be disappointing to some,” wrote Chancellor Lyons in his announcement, “but we cannot afford to let every student take advantage of this school’s limited resources. Also, for completely unrelated reasons, tuition will be raised from ’high’ to ‘very high.’”
“This announcement came as a shock,” explained transfer student Tren Fern. “But we’re not taking this sitting down. Me and a bunch of other students are taking to YikYak to create an underground movement of supporters. Unfortunately, most of our posts failed to get more than 10 Yakarma.”
A few of the event’s onlookers were less than impressed, such as fellow student Lue Cless.
“I’m sure I’d agree with what they’re saying, but I couldn’t make out a word over all that racket,” gesturing to a construction worker. Raising his voice over a jackhammer, Cless asked, “What are we even talking about again?”
Chancellor Lyons also took the time to respond to the activists directly, claiming that he would “close another library out of spite” if he had to. He also reaffirmed that “you, alone, are at fault for this,” and reminisced on how every campus building was open “that one semester you studied abroad.”
At press time, Chancellor Lyons was found giggling while looking at your expected graduation date on CalCentral next to an estimated, much later, completion date for every single relevant construction project. In the meantime, you can admire their progress from afar as a single tear rolls down your cheek.