BERKELEY, Calif. – Earlier this week on Monday, UC Berkeley students were rattled by the release of a rather daunting Instagram post. A local student cooperative house publicly announced that they were planning to enact one of the most serious acts of terror upon students and nearby residents – hosting a Halloween party.
“I mean, this is outrageous,” stated Berkeley student Velma Maratz. “What is the $15 cover charge even going towards? Nobody wants this.”
“It would be a disaster,” third-year Beth Addams remarked, “Just terrible for everyone involved. It’s a trap. They lure you in there with the promise of good fun only for the house to be more trashed than the frats, with the only drinks available being Jungle Juice that tastes more like elephant piss. Before you know it, you’re watching your best friend make out with a 5 foot 2 masc lesbian. Who’s also your ex.”
It’s not just students who are worried – neighbors of the co-op expressed their concern as well. One man stated that on nights the co-op throws parties, his sleep was affected by the lingering smell of Whippets and subwoofer blaring Azealia Banks coming from next door. “How many times can one listen to 212 before it gets old?” the source inquired.
Recently, the nation has been struck by a number of frightening predicaments, but perhaps the scariest issue facing us right now is another CZ party.