SACRAMENTO, Calif.– Reports out of Naughty Newsom’s office today show he took one too many eddies before drawing the new districting map for the ongoing special election.
“The country is in crisis,” Daddy Gavin said to journalists this afternoon. “Which is why the Democrats need to get creative with our moves. Shit, I don’t know. Start experimenting with drugs and like, sexuality. Create art, you know.” When asked about the giant “X” over Orange County, the Governor refused to comment.
Later this afternoon, President Trump addressed the controversy through the jumbotron at the Knicks game:
“It’s one of the worst drawings i’ve ever seen from the standpoint of drawings. As everyone knows, my drawings are much more good than stupid Gavin’s. He doesn’t even know what a woman looks like. My penis is so big, he only has a small little tiny penis. His penis is like the tip of a pencil and mine is like, the whole rest of the pencil. And also, I didn’t doodle in Epstein’s book, but if I did, it would be much better than this ugly thing, whatever they call it. Melania hates it, she hates California, she doesn’t like you Gavin, stop texting her. More tariffs please I have to go to put more tariffs I can’t be here any longer.”
It is unclear what the California Governor was smoking, but unverified sources tell us they saw JD Vance and Newsom on the roof of the capitol splitting a suck-my-dick sativa pre-roll and taking various dermatology pills stolen from the White House. More to come at press time.