BERKELEY, Calif. – In preparation for the Big Game, Chancellor Rich Lyons, General Manager Ron Rivera and 3-time mascot heavyweight champion Oski met with Justin Wilcox to give him an ultimatum: either Cal wins and retains the axe, or he gets the Axe. While it pained Wilcox, he threw the game, knowing a win would mean a chance at over seven wins in a season, something unforgivable for Cal football.
In Cal’s attempts to fire Wilcox after the last four seasons, he stunned former Athletic Director Jim Knowton by saying “you can’t give me the Axe, I already have it.” Confused, Knowlton immediately stopped the firing and went back to doing what he does best, neglecting abuse from swim coaches.
“It had to be done. Seeing Andrew Luck happy made me want to kill myself,” proud Golden Bear and ex Washington [REDACTED]s leader Ron Rivera said, “I mean, somehow Washington D.C is better run than Wilcox’s team, from politics to football.”