We regret to announce that the long-awaited revolution is going to be a little late – ten minutes late, in fact. Or maybe twelve. Sorry, fifteen. Would twenty minutes be pushing it?
Despite the extremist stances so often pushed by the left-wing radicals of UC Berkeley (genocide is bad, people deserve rights, free speech is good, etc.), the revolution is lagging behind schedule. We regret to announce that the long-awaited revolution is going to be a little late – ten minutes late, in fact. Or maybe twelve. Sorry, fifteen. Would twenty minutes be pushing it? Here at The Free Peach, we’ve identified the key barrier to achieving the worldwide socialist utopia we were promised: Berkeley time.
“Like, I care a lot about the revolution and everything, of course. It’s like, half of why I came to Berkeley. For, uh, our political history,” says notable activist and co-op enthusiast Tara Dee, “But stuff comes up. And if you think about it, if I’m thirty minutes late for the revolution, isn’t that technically like five minutes with Berkeley time? That’s not that bad.”
Other would-be comrades echo Dee’s rationale.
“I need at least three minutes to detangle my headphones, another ten to power walk over. Maybe grab a matcha on the way. That’s what, eight minutes? That’s totally within Berkeley time,” says fellow revolutionary D. Laid.
“I don’t see why we don’t just give our brothers and sisters in arms a grace period of like an hour or so. Maybe a day. Even like a few days. It’s not like this is urgent or anything,” continues organizer and proud Poli-Sci minor Dill E. Dally, who claims that he’s going to overthrow the ruling class and achieve class consciousness “in a minute.”
It’s unclear when the revolution will occur, but based on empirical research conducted by The Free Peach, we wouldn’t hold our breath. Maybe give it a minute, or ten, or twenty.