BERKELEY, Calif. – In a dormitory-wide email recently, UC Berkeley Housing notified some of the campus community that they had discovered “what is believed to …
Where Are They Now? The Teletubbies Sun Baby Found in New January 6th Footage
“I’m still trapped in my giggling yellow spiky circle cage but now it’s a metaphorical cage made by Sleepy Joe and George Soros.”
Lonely UC Berkeley Seal Just Wants a Hug, or Any Touch Really
As the semester comes to a close, the official UC Berkeley seal outside Moffitt has sadly reported it received no physical contact this past year and that students were actively avoiding it. Though ideally seeking a hug, the seal has stated that even being stepped on by a fresh Reebok would be a pleasurable alternative.
Skip the Wait: Durant Taco Bell Introduces Ticketmaster Order Presales
“You just pick an order you might want weeks ahead and confirm your presale on Ticketmaster. There’s a 15% chance your order gets placed, and Ticketmaster only takes a portion worth double the meal price. It’s a steal, really.”
Local Nice Guy Still Single After Sending Ten Girls a ‘Good Morning’ Group Text
“I lift seven days a week, hold the door open for people, and call women ‘women’ and not ‘females.'”
Gym Bro Now Switching to Food-Based Diet
BERKELEY, Calif. — After cycling through a series of diets composed of raw meat, protein powder, and crayons, fitness enthusiast and influencer Ben Husslin has …
New Forbes ‘30 Under 30’ Just List of Landlords
“Personally, I bought my duplex using a loan whose interest and principal my tenants are paying off through their $3500/month [soon to be $4000/month] rent. This way, I can pay off all my debts and make a hefty 30% profit while contributing absolutely nothing to society.”
Lucky! Philosophy Major’s Oversized Turtleneck Muffles the Annoying Ass Sound of His Voice
“Speaking here in corollary with the strict criteria theory at play rather than in juxtaposition to the dynamic existential argument, I consider your intrinsically hyperlexical perspective thought experiment to be nuanced, reflexive, and sound. In other words, based.”
Berkeley Student Unable to Enroll in Happiness Until Phase 2
BERKELEY, Calif. – Berkeley senior Cameron Hall found himself in a predicament faced by many when he was unable to enroll in basic human happiness …
UC Regents Hire Michael Drake’s New Stepbrother, Michael Josh
SAN DIEGO – UC Regents assembled at UCSD on Monday, prepared to deliver paradigm-shattering news to current UC faculty. Without hesitation, Regent Chair Rich Leib …