GULF SHORES, Ala. — As states like Alabama and Mississippi ban the discussion of ‘divisive topics’ such as ‘not being homophobic’, America’s fragmented and nonuniform …
Lawrence Lab Releases Statement Apologizing for Misuse of Weather Machine
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following an abnormal snowfall in Tilden Park early Friday morning, Lawrence National Lab has come forth in a statement to confess their involvement.
Pope Francis Announces Beer is Now Jesus’ Blood and So Is Pink Whitney
“Miei cari amici, the Cardinals and I have deliberated, and have decided on a modernizing reform for communion. Whereas historically, we have considered only vinum to be sanguis Christi, we were forced to re-read the text for our R1A requirement, and we realize that really, ‘wine’ just referred to any alcoholic ferment – so we’re extending communion to include beer, and even Pink Whitney too.
BREAKING: The Clitoris Found on Wuhu Island After Years of Hiding
WUHU ISLAND, Pacific Ocean – In a press conference today, Interpol announced that they had located The Clitoris, identified in hiding on Wuhu Island.
“It took a several-years-long effort by many of our top investigators,” relayed Interpol Chief, Dev Inatili-Aman, “but we found it. It was hiding in a cave in [Inatili-Aman is interrupted by snickers from the reporters]. What? What’s so funny?”
Dethroned?! Lexapro and Lactaid Beat Weed for Most Used Drug at Cal, New Survey Reports
“The chugging was insane!” exclaimed Ri, white froth still clinging to her upper lip. “This was the exact release we all needed. After the excruciating Fall semester I had, I doubled my milligrams of Lexapro. Between you and me, I sneak an extra 10 millies in every night as well. All my fears and assignments just melt away, and I don’t even need my bong anymore!”
Upcoming Panda Express on Bancroft Offers Relief from Relentless Stream of High-Quality, Authentic, Family-Owned Local Restaurants
“Oh man, it’s been way too long since I’ve had severe, rectal-prolapse-inducing constipation,” said senior Drum major Hunter Perry, who up until this point had been satisfying his late night cravings for indigestion with frequent trips to I.B.’s, Chipotle, and the Taco Bell Cantina. “When I’m feeling especially masochistic, a slice from Blondie’s will suffice, but the fact of the matter is that most of the food here is simply too rich in fiber to utterly destroy my digestive system. I’m so excited for the bone-dry fried rice from Panda Express to condense into an obelisk in my gut and carve the Grand Canyon out of my asshole. I swear to God, if that shit doesn’t tap my G-spot on the way out, I’m asking for a full refund.”
Feminist Flyered on Sproul by Sorority Secretly ‘a Little Bit Flattered’
BERKELEY, Calif. – As UC Berkeley enters a new semester, fraternities and sororities have been scanning Sproul Plaza for visually-promising spring recruits. Sophomore and feminist …
Haas Student Brags about Internship at Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated
“That’s right dude, the job is a complete lush – I’m working at Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated. They’re sending me an access badge too; my job title is ‘Junior Inator Inspector.’ How cool is that? Yeah the pay’s great, I think six figures? And three of them are before the decimal!”
Math 54 Tries Out Exciting New Instruction-Free Course Curriculum
BERKELEY, Calif. — Following the departure of instructors Kelli Talaska and Katrin Wehrheim from Math 54 (Linear Algebra & Differential Equations), the UC Berkeley math …
The Ugly Truth Behind Bangs: Foreheads
BERKELEY, Calif. – A groundbreaking research paper from the University of California, Berkeley’s Department of Hair has revealed that beneath 99% of bangs lies a forehead.