VATICAN CITY – As white smoke rose from the rafters of the Vatican ahead of Sunday Mass, Pope Francis emerged onto the balcony of his residence to announce new church guidelines. Speaking ex cathedra (which I just found out does not mean ‘without a catheter’), the Pope outlined new instructions for taking communion. 

Miei cari amici, the Cardinals and I have deliberated, and have decided on a modernizing reform for communion. Whereas historically, we have considered only vinum to be sanguis Christi, we were forced to re-read the text for our R1A requirement, and we realize that really, ‘wine’ just referred to any alcoholic ferment – so we’re extending communion to include beer, and even Pink Whitney too.”

Those familiar with the Pontiff provided an insight into the council’s decision. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, one source recounted the deliberation:

“Essentially, we’re not capturing enough of the younger demographics. Catholicism isn’t as attractive as it used to be, when you could simply pay-to-play. We did some polling of 18-24 year olds, and we found that they are choosing to express themselves not through the Church, but rather through party-until-you-drop keggers. We deduced that the best way to draw in new blood (rather than make it from wine) is to encourage the use of “lay-beverages” in the liturgy: beer and Pink Whitney.”

The impact of the new doctrine has quickly taken hold near UC Berkeley’s campus. The following Sunday, one student, wearing Pit Vipers and a cross necklace, agreed to an interview outside of the Catholic Student Center. 

“Uh yeah my name’s Kenneth Short, and I was just baptized yesterday. Yeah, actually me and all my boys from Fiji did it together. We got to church and the priest dunked us, and then we did a keg-stand for communion – it was pretty legit. They also let us use some tortilla chips and guac for the corpus Christi, which was so clutch. Now all the boys are mobbing Sunday Mass to get fucked up. Free booze, and they don’t check ID? Call me Sir Thomas Aqui-NattyLight!”

At press time, local churches in Berkeley were blasting house music and posting banners reading “RUSH CHRIS†.” 

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