SHAKESPEAREAN LONDON, England — Here ye, here ye, thou doth not yet heard of the news, the queen is dead, and someone just confessed. “Slay queen! I just committed regicide!”, said thee O murderer Agatha Dick.
Thou thinketh twas for revenge, or love, but no, according to Agatha, Twas a move of justice, “For the baddies.” Sources speculate that Ms. Dick twas referring to the many heinous crimes the queen hath committed, and Ms. Dick intended to make the “bad-die.”
“She just girlbossed a little too close to the sun, you know? Like gaslight gatekeep girlboss things,” Agatha commented. Twas no news to most of the public that the late queen gas-lit the harvests on fire, and gate-kept her dissenters in her dungeon, and had a nasty habit of throwing the peasants into the sun.
Sources close to her late majesty places thee royal jester, Sir Reginald Wiener, as a witness to the crime.
“Twas the eve of the second. I had just finished my daily juggling rehearsal when Ms. Dick broke into my wee chamber. She asked where her majesty lied, and I retorted that I could not possibly betray sensitive information about the crown. The weirdest thing then occurred: she laughed and said I was, quote, ‘literally clowning.’ Then she smiled, and said that she was going to ‘Pop off Queen.’”
There is still no word yet from officials on if Ms. Dick’s manner of regicide included beheading the queen. Ms. Dick’s trial date has been set for the twentieth of April.