In a recent interview, John Galen Howard, architect extraordinaire and builder of Doe Memorial Library, delved into his neoclassical design and his choice in creating a library with acoustics befitting an orchestra concert hall.
Dickriding Student Nods at Professor During Lecture
BERKELEY, Calif.—Sophomore Richard Rider provided his Econ 1 Professor with much needed emotional support this Thursday in a display of body language his peers found “intimidating as fuck.”
“You would do it too, if you shared the kind of intellectual connection Professor Muny and I do,” remarked Rider on his bobblehead-esque behavior. “I mean did you see that supply versus demand graph? Honestly, it moved me to tears, and the last time I cried was back when Steve Jobs died. It’s just such an honor to learn from someone so brilliant, and I had to show her that I was picking up what she was putting down, you know? Real recognize real.”
Some Much Needed Reform: Oski No Longer Has Veto Power Over the ASUC Senate
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following a contentious vote, the totalled tallies on Friday evening signified a shocking victory for reform-advocates on campus; in an overwhelming 65% …
LinkedIn Premium Introduces Feature to Subtract Connections
“We’ve been, essentially, blind to an entire market,” explained CEO Ryan Roslansky. “The mistake has been our own – why the fixation on a world of infinite connectivity? Instead, we can take the panopticon of infinite connectivity and upcharge a means of escape. That is to say, we’re offering our antisocial clientele an ability to ‘pay-not-to-play,’ and to unilaterally sever connections.”
Delay in Response Email From Advisor Delayed Due to Delay From Having to Write Too Many Delay in Responses
At press time, Chancellor Christ explained that in order to hire more advisors she would either need to limit the funding going towards research, housing, or lower her own salary. She further explained that all of these options are unacceptable and would go against Berkeley’s values, whereas brutally fighting the system in order to get advice is very much in line with Berkeley culture.
Impressive? Waka Flocka’s ‘No Hands’ Inspired by Learning to Ride a Bike
BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal students were in shock Tuesday morning after a new study revealed that the hit song “No Hands” was a tribute to …
Due to Extensive Budget Cuts, The University of California Will Now Be Shutting Down the Simulation
BERKELEY, Calif. — The pressing need to fund more administrative mansions and football coach salaries has forced the University of California to cut back on …
‘Self-Made’, My Ass: New Evidence Reveals God Was Born to Rich Parents
PEARLY GATES, Heaven—Notions that God created Himself, the Universe, and Everything In It were upended last Friday when an extensive audit of God’s finances revealed that He inherited the majority of His Kingdom from His ultra-wealthy parents.
“For a supposedly ‘self-made’ entity, God sure has a lot of trust funds,” explained IRS Agent Steven Matthews, who was in charge of the audit. “Except for Stonehenge, David Attenborough, my son’s fire R&B mixtape, and the state of Ohio, which are all in fact creations of God, God’s assets are gifts from His parents and thus fall under the purview of the estate tax. Consequently, we will be billing God for $175,000,000,000,000 USD, the oil fields of Afghanistan, and that really sick Pyrus Bakugan that my wife didn’t let me get from Target last Monday.”
Girl Breaking Glass Ceiling Expected to Pay For Damages
BERKELEY, Calif. – Yesterday, at approximately 13:00, UCPD received a call notifying them that the glass ceiling in Gardner Main Stacks Library had been shattered …
‘Rules Are Made to Be Broken’ Says Guy About to Cheat on His Girlfriend During Spring Break
GENERIC RESORT TOWN – Immediately following his flight landing in Miami with his “boys,” Delta Iota Kappa (DIK) brother and chlamydia vector Chad Broson posted …