HARTFORD, Conn. – Nobel Peace Prize recipient and carpet bomber of Laos and Cambodia, Henry Kissinger, has passed away at the early age of 100. …
Phallic Tower in SF Says a Lot About ‘Private Business’
SAN FRANCISCO – San Francisco’s financial district has seen drastic shifts in the past decade, shaved bare of community-oriented commerce now replaced with the endlessly …
Sad: Thanksgiving Dinner Not the Same Without Pet Turkey
LOS ANGELES, Calif. – Public opinion polling amongst your family has reaffirmed the sentiment that Thanksgiving this year is a drag without Repeckah, your beloved …
APEC: U.S. and China Reach Diplomatic Agreement to be Horrible Together
SAN FRANCISCO – U.S. President Joe Biden and Chinese President Xi Jinping made strides towards a stronger alliance by reaching a diplomatic agreement to be …
Report: Majority of Those Attending Big Game Lack It
STANFORD, Calif. – This weekend, the Cal football team will be competing in its 126th Big Game, a campus tradition lasting as long as it …
‘We’re Gonna Destroy Them This Weekend,’ Says Stanford About Minorities
STANFORD, Calif. – In anticipation of the Big Game this weekend, Stanford students, fans, and faculty have joined together to spread the message that they …
Pixar Halts All Production After Nemo Eaten by Fraternity Pledge
LOS ANGELES — The long-running SAG-AFTRA strike took a turn for the worse last Wednesday when Hollywood starlet Nemo the clownfish was found dead in …
Guy Who Knows a Spot Takes You to Berkeley Social Club
BERKELEY, Calif. – After proclaiming his knowledge of secret and underrated date spots on campus, Cal junior Chad Chad decided to impress his new romantic …
UCPD Announces 40,000 Suspects in GBC Banana Heist
BERKELEY, Calif.– A campus-wide email sent on Monday evening shocked students, as they learned that amongst them walked a hardened criminal: the mastermind architect behind …
Major Advisor Now Only Reachable Through Séance
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a spooky turn of events, Computer Science Undergraduate Advisor Gong Whitdee Ngyuen has apparently changed their meeting availability to séance-only appointments. …